


let your heart hold fast

by dizzy, waveydnp



Series: byebye 20gayteen daily fic advent [9]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Epistolary, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 22:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16921311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: Prompt:Dan and Phil are with their respective families for the holidays. Dan freaks out because he hasn't heard from Phil in 2 days. Phil comforts him.





	let your heart hold fast

To: Dan  
From: Phil  
Subject: I NEARLY FELL OFF A CLIFF (not clickbait) 

Martyn’s mobile died! Apparently not charging devices is a Lester family trait. You can’t shout at me for it anymore, it’s in my blood. 

You also can’t shout at me for dropping my phone. I was in mortal peril! On a cliff’s edge! It was the iPhone or my life!!! 

But the timing was awful. I know I was meant to ring you tonight. We can always try to skype, but you know how it turned out last time. I keep telling mum and dad they need to just petition the country to rewire the whole island to get better signal. Mum just says she doesn’t think it’s that bad. As long as she can load up Facebook to be nosy with the cousins and watch our videos, she can’t see why anyone would need anything more. 

Martyn said he’ll take me into town tomorrow to see if there’s anywhere I can get a new mobile or where I can get mine fixed. I doubt anything will be open on Christmas day, but you never know? 

I hope you have notifications on. Knowing you, you probably don’t. When Martyn’s got a charge again I’ll swipe his phone and text you to tell you to check your email. 

 

To: Phil  
From: Dan  
Subject: i just…..

first off: you know if it was me i would have gone down head first off that cliff to save my phone’s life but i guess i’m glad you’re not dead. i mean i kinda thought you were as i hadn’t heard from you in like twelve billion hours so thanks for that mate. 

second: why are you formatting your email so perfectly it’s weird i feel like i’m back at uni or something. actually this whole thing is fucking weird phil i only email people i don’t really wanna be talking to. this is messing with my head. i mean even in the very beginning we weren’t sending emails.

you know what? i think the only solution is that we both need to just go home.

please.

adrian won’t shut up about how veganism doesn’t count if i only do it when i feel like it and colin sicked on my slippers and now i can’t even text you. 

anyway this is literally all your bloody fault so i hope you’re prepared to email me back and forth all night because mum asked me to go for a run with her and the only valid excuse i had to say no was that i was expecting a call from you and i really DO NOT feel like freezing my tits off and possibly running into someone i went to school with and therefore dying of a hundred simultaneous preemptive cringe attacks. my life is literally in your hands lester.

ps… don’t your parents have a landline?

pps i turned on notifs. not that i’m desperate to hear from you or anything shut up 

 

To: Dan  
From: Phil  
Subject: you just… have to love me anyway

Hahaa, it wasn’t twelve billion hours. It was like TWO. Okay it felt like twelve billion. I think my dad was ready to strangle me because I kept asking him and mum both why they didn’t have their mobiles with them. They said they always leave them at home on hikes. It’s crazy talk! What if they see a BEAR on their hike. 

Mum said there are no bears on this island, just wild hares and stoat and mountain goats. Then she started to sing about them. I think she was making it up as she went along, but it wasn’t a bad song. She’s better at making them up than we are. Should we just give the channel over to her? KathGames? 

I format emails this way because all I ever send are work emails. Do people even use email besides work now? I don’t think they do. That and when they’re star-crossed lovers separated by a distance because one of them smashed their phone on some cliffs. I can’t untrain myself to write like it’s a business email, though. I’d probably do it too well and end up sending an inappropriate emoticon to our tax man and we’d have to pay double-quadruple taxes for the year because he was so offended. 

Mum’s laughing at me for having my laptop out when it’s family time, by the way. I told her I’m not a kid anymore and she can’t tell me I’m using too much technology because I went and made it my job. She patted me on the head and said that she’d let me continue to believe that. Should I be offended? 

That’s what you should do to Adrian. Just pat him on the head and say “Sure.” As a verified little brother I can say it’s the most annoying thing you as a big brother could do. Martyn still does it just to make me cross. He says he’s still allowed to do that at home. It’s weird how families are, isn’t it? When we meet for business lunches he’s just Martyn, another grown up saying grown up business-y things. But when we’re back home he’s just… Martyn, my brother who I grew up with. It’s funny how being an adult means you have all these different faces you’ve got to put on, and sometimes you see someone wearing different faces when you know their other ones, as well. You tried to talk about that once before and I didn’t quite understand, but you know sometimes it just takes me a little longer. 

So you have to put on your patient family face right now, just for a few more days until you can take it off and be Just Dan and I can be Just Phil at home together. 

Hopefully this extra long email is enough to keep you from having to go for a run. I like your tits and I don’t want them to freeze off. Or for you to die of cringe attacks! You wouldn’t really die, though. If nothing else you could just sprint away. You’ve got long legs and you could outpace them, I reckon. Then we’d just move to Antarctica and build a life together as penguin farmers. 

Ps: My parents got rid of the landline! Can you believe it? I told them to for years and now that they finally did I could actually use it. 

Pps: aaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww 

 

To: Phil  
From: Dan  
Subject: i always love you anyway

oops i got sappy. sue me.

your parents are certified lunatics, but we already knew this. but like seriously who the fuck goes out without a cell phone?? like even if there aren’t bears there are.. cliffs. slippery grassy hills and jagged rocky cliffs that tol clumsy boyes try to fling themselves off!! like what if you’d fallen or broken your ankle or something.

(i wish there was a bear on that island) (oops that was fucking cheesy again wasn’t it)

(but like seriously i would like to be there instead of here. but that head patting trick sounds like a good one. i can just imagine adrian’s face. he takes all this shit so seriously.)

should i try to format my emails all proper like you? would that make me better at emails?

you know, it’s kind of mental that you manage to work with martyn so well and then go home and be the little brother he takes the piss out of. like…. teach me. i love adrian and all but like… i don’t _like_ him, you know? teach me your ways. you and martyn should write a book. actually, your whole family should. all the lesters should just sit down together and write a book on ‘how to family.’ you’d all get rich… er. 

i like all your faces, btw. i’m glad i get to see all your faces. even the ‘grumpy in the morning because you haven’t had your coffee yet’ face or your ‘if dan nags me about not sorting the laundry properly one more time i’ll punch him in the face’ face. 

i like penguins but idk if i can live in antarctica, even in jest. there’s definitely no wifi in the south pole and my lips are chapped enough as it is.

if you hadn’t smashed up your phone i could send you a picture of my tits rn but i guess you’ll just have to use your imagination.

what did you eat today btw. let me live vicariously through kath’s cooking. all there is to eat here is hummus and nutritional yeast. and dog biscuits. would i die if i tried the dog biscuits?

nan is coming over tomorrow thank god. she couldn’t today because she actually has a life. and friends. 

ps if we handed the channel over to your mum she’d make a killing. imagine your mum playing fortnite? people would eat that shit up. 

 

To: Dan  
From: Phil  
Subject: i like it when you’re sappy

I wish there was a bear on this island, too. (We can be cheesy together. It’s alright. I won’t tell anyone.) 

I think this just means that you need to come with me every time I visit my parents, to make sure that I’m never without a cell phone and that you can always grab me when I’m about to fall down a cliff. 

I would say and the other way around too except I didn’t manage to catch you last time you fell, did I? Ooooops. I’ll practice my Dan-grabbing skills for the coming year. It’ll mean I end up grabbing you lots. Hopefully you won’t mind. I’ll make sure to grab interesting places. 

I just told my mum and dad that you said they should write a book and I think Mum might already be listing out the chapters. Dad is humouring her about it. I think that’s what makes their marriage work. Dad knows that Mum’s always having crazy ideas and he just goes right along with it even though he knows she’ll probably forget in an hour. 

Remind you of anyone? Mum and I are both lucky to have people who even love our ‘I had a crazy idea and now I’m going to tell you all about it’ faces. 

(By the way, she says you’ll get to be in the second line of the dedication, along with the rest of her children. She’s also planning her Oscars acceptance speech. I’ll leave it to Dad to tell her that they don’t give out those to book writers. She’ll have to adapt it as a screenplay for that.)

Fine, no Antarctica. Tunisia, maybe? Or Tasmania? I get them confused. Don’t tell the internet that. I always thought Tasmania was made up just for the cartoon. 

You could always take a picture of your tits and then attach it in the email. That’s how they used to do things in the prehistoric era before texting. Dinosaurs had to take their dirty pictures on a camera that wasn’t even front facing. 

I think you should try the dog biscuits. Remember those organic cinnamon carrot ones that trainer had at the calendar photoshoot? Those tasted like proper biscuits. I kept wanting to steal one just to try it and you wouldn’t let me. 

Kath’s been cooking up a storm. It feels mean to write this!! I would hate for someone to describe food to me that I couldn’t have. That’s torture. But since you asked - she’s made steak and ale pies at my dad’s special Christmas request, and she’s also already started cooking things for tomorrow’s roast dinner. And cakes. OMG Dan the cakes. You need to be here just for the cakes. There are five of them, and she won’t let me or Martyn anywhere near them. We’re forbidden from even opening the fridge. I told her it was cruel and unusual punishment and she just rolled her eyes. She’s seen through all my tricks, Dan. It’s awful. 

I hope you really have eaten something besides dog biscuits. It’s taken me a while to finish this email because mum and dad wanted to go walk around the neighbourhood and we ran into some friends of theirs who were out doing carols. You’d have absolutely hated it. I snuck back in because I told Mum I needed a heavier coat, but really I just wanted to finish typing this out. 

I won’t be out for more than an hour more. If you want to try and skype let me know back within the hour? I miss your voice. Is that stupid? We talked this morning and then again for a few minutes when I called you from Martyn’s phone. It hasn’t been that long. But it’s strange knowing I can’t hear you even if I wanted to. You’re always either just right there or a phone call away at most. I feel like there’s some kind of line that’s wired right up to my whole heart that’s not working quite right and it’s distressing. 

I do really wish you were here, I guess is what I’m saying. 

 

To: Phil  
From: Dan  
Subject: who’s the sappy one now?

i shit you not, i was trying to take a shirtless selfie to attach to this email and adrian just walked right in.

without knocking

like he’s an actual child with no concept of personal space or boundaries

he saw my tits phil!! he saw me making a daft pouty face and pointing my phone at my nipples!!

so anyway. that’s how my night is going. i’m glad you went for a walk. i might do that too. fresh air is good. my therapist would be proud. i’ve been slacking on even the mildest forms of exercise lately, haven’t i? but you’re a terrible influence. 

oh, also i might run into people. i always forget that’s a thing that can happen when you go outside. fuck. i just want to get out of this fugly brown room for a while but i also just like… don’t want to see anyone right now. no one that isn’t you, basically. or my nan. i could go for some nana time. 

phil why am i like this? they’re not even that bad. like they’re annoying, but everyone’s family is annoying. why can’t i just be normal. why can’t i be like you?

sorry. i should probably delete that bit. i hate that my brain stops processing things correctly when i’m here. and like, i hate that it’s worse when you’re away. that’s probably like… bad. right? idk. i worry about it sometimes. i should cut all these bits out. your emails have been so nice. you’re having a nice night. i want that for you. i don’t want to ruin it by being a whiny twat. i’m sorry. i just really hate being back here. makes me feel like a teenager again. 

anyway. i promise i haven’t eaten any dog biscuits. the food is fine it’s just like.. not exciting. there’s only so much joy that can be derived from bean salad and steamed potatoes. i know it’s good for me and ethically the better option and it’s more sustainable for the earth and think of the dolphins and all that shit but like.. i need some dominos right now babe. i need an escape.

fuck! do you ever just get so sick of yourself you could scream? do you ever feel like you never really solve any of the dark shit in your head, you just kind of shovel it into different piles so it feels like you’ve accomplished growth but all you’ve really done is rearrange it?

idk, fuck, sorry. tell me more about the carolers. that sounds like death. i think i would literally die of the cringe. i’m glad you escaped. 

i bet your mum’s book will be so good they change the rules at the academy and give her an oscar anyway. (tell her i said that. i want almost son in law points. and don’t tell them i’m being a sad sack of shit through email.)

it’s weird how in my mind i like christmas but in reality i always end up here and just feeling like i’m spiralling back into toxic thought patterns. like i can hear my therapist’s response to all this bullshit in my head. i know exactly what she’d say. i know that my brain is messing with me and yet… i feel it. i know it’s fake but it feels so real that it doesn’t even matter. 

i keep rereading your email bc i wanna reply to everything you said but then i just feel bad that i ruined the happy silly thing you had going and i think i should just delete this whole thing and start again but i’ve been writing it for a while and it would probably take a lot of mental energy to write something to match the energy of yours and tbh i don’t even know if i have that in me right now. 

you know what i just realized is that we could have just dm’ed on twitter instead of sending emails like we’re in the victorian times. we’re dumb

but i kinda like this. it feels nostalgic? even though we never sent emails to each other? idk

i hope your mum lets you eat cake soon. tell her marie antoinette said so. 

i love you. i miss you and your bird nose and all your faces and your rank morning breath

 

To: Dan  
From: Phil  
Subject: my morning breath is NOT rank 

Dan. Danny. Daniel. 

I want you to sit up. Unless you’re already sitting up, then stay where you are. I want you to close your eyes - whoops you can’t read this with your eyes closed. Okay, don’t close your eyes. Just do what I’m telling you to do as you’re reading it. 

Take a breath. 

Let it out. 

Take another breath. 

Let it out. 

Do that eight more times. 

Did you do it? I’ll know if you’re lying. I’m psychic, remember. 

If that doesn’t work then just do what I always do when I’m sad and you’re not home. Open up the gaming channel and watch some of our videos. You can hear me through there even if you can’t hear me in real time. 

And if that still doesn’t work, then know that I just told my mum I was going to change my flight to go back to London the day after Christmas. She said it was only allowed if I come back for my birthday and bring you with me. I went ahead and made the deal, so I hope you’re ready for my mum to stuff you with cake. You’ll probably get the biggest piece, too, after I passed along your almost son in law points bait. 

You know my happy silly thing is just to try and cheer you up, right? I think it works better in person. But I’ve been so down that mum actually sent me up to bed after one game of Risk. She said it wasn’t even fun to win against someone whose heart isn’t in the game. Mine definitely wasn’t. 

She even said I could sneak some cake, but I didn’t want any. I didn’t want cake, Dan. 

Because all I could think about was you being so far away and feeling so alone. You shouldn’t ever feel alone. Because you’re not really ever alone. Even when I’m not with you, you’ve got part of me. 

How’s that for sappy? It’s just that I can close my eyes and picture how you look right now and I hate it… so much. Everyone should be smiling at Christmas. Everyone should feel happy. I’m so angry at your head for not letting you enjoy it. 

I want you here with me next year. I don’t care what anyone says. (Not that anyone will say anything, not on my side at least. Mum always invites you.) We’ll go to Reading and see your family for a few days before, and then come here together to see mine. We’ve got a whole year to figure out how to make it work best. I just don’t want you spending another 24th of December in that sad brown room feeling sad and…. Brown? Idk. I don’t know anything except that I want you here so I can smother you you with hugs and cuddles and kick you in my sleep and make you give me the last bite of every pudding and cake you have. I don’t want to give you an escape, I just want to put you somewhere you don’t want to escape from. 

You’re right about one thing, though. This does feel nostalgic. Even if I never wrote emails properly when we first met. I don’t think I even used spell check. Some of my old tweets are horrendous. (I used spell check to spell horrendous.) Twitter dm might have been more realistic for nostalgia but we didn’t even use that for very long. Remember the first time you sent me a picture of yourself? I added you on facebook right after that, then we were on to MSN. I fancied you so much just from looking at you, but I thought I was just being a dirty perv looking at a fit teenage boy who had a girlfriend, anyway. It felt like it was too good to be true when we were on Skype together and I realized you were probably flirting with me. (I think it took me way longer than you thought it did.) 

Damnit. Now I miss you in more than one way. Change your plane ticket to the 26th, babe. I don’t want to wait any longer than that. (I don’t even want to wait that long, but Mum would actually murder me if I skipped out on the day itself.) 

I love you, too. I miss you and your obnoxiously big hands and your goodnight kisses and how sweaty you get me underneath the covers because you’re actually a furnace disguised as a human. (I miss your warm, is what I mean.)

 

To: Phil  
From: Dan  
Subject: your morning breath IS rank because you eat marmalade toast at 3am and come back to bed without brushing your teeth

i did it. the breathing thing. it didn’t help but it felt nice to do it just because you told me to. it made me feel connected to you for a second. 

i rewatched bubble bobble and cried a little. might as well be honest. remember we played that early on when you still lived in the rawtenstall house? and we beat every single level together and it took us all bloody day because we kept taking breaks to make out on the sofa?

i miss that house sometimes. not like you do, i know but. i fell in love in that house. it’s kinda sad not to be able to go back to it ever again. 

did you really change your plane ticket? idk how to feel. i’m super chuffed as fuck but also like idk if i can handle the guilt of taking you away from your family. i love that you love them so much. i love that you genuinely enjoy spending time with them. and i know you love playing risk and knowing i ruined your night makes me feel like dogshit.

please promise me you’ll be happy for them tomorrow yeah? like don’t waste your whole day in town trying to get a new mobile. you’ll get one when you come back here. be a model son tomorrow, it’ll make me feel better. and then tell me everything late at night over email. or maybe we can try to skype. we’ll stay up late listening for santa.

(that was for you because i fucking KNOW it made you smile)

oh and eat cake tomorrow please. lots of it. enough that you tell yourself you’ll never eat cake again. i don’t want to be the reason you miss out on things you love. because it’s like… i miss you so much and i want you here but it’s not just about that. i think you get it, right? like it’s not like i’m just pouting and missing you and being a bitch about it.

i mean, i AM doing that, but it’s more than that. it’s just my shitty brain. and this brown ass room. and the memory of how entirely miserable i was when i lived here. 

(although i guess i could remember other stuff about living here. like watching your videos and wanking thinking about what you’d look like naked.)(trust me you’re not the pervy one in this relationship)

i sometimes still can’t believe i actually got to find out. what you look like naked. and when you come.

goddamnit now i’m horny. maybe we SHOULD skype. do you think the fbi agent reading our emails would appreciate a detailed description of how pretty your cock is?

sorry i’ll stop. i hope you don’t read this within eyeshot of any member of the lester clan. but just know i thought it was too good to be true too. i mean, you were fucking amazingphil. and you were talking to ME. mental.

i’m ok. i don’t want you to worry. i feel low but i’m ok. i’m not going to let myself spiral too hard. and i’ll go for a run with my mum tomorrow. it’ll suck but the endorphins will be good. and maybe i’ll go into town just by myself and eat something an animal had to suffer for. (adrian’s really getting to my head now)

i wonder if he and i will EVER be friends. i’d have thought it would’ve happened by now. i’m nearly thirty. (i know you’re gonna say i’m not but just shush). i guess we’re just too different. maybe when he outgrows his pretentious phase. or maybe he’s like my uncle. maybe i’m actually the sane howell. 

are you sleepy? i don’t wanna keep you up. you have a long day of having fun ahead of you tomorrow 

 

To: Dan  
From: Phil  
Subject: happy christmas <3333333

I fell asleep last night, I’m sorry. I hope you did too. I know how poorly you sleep there, but it’s important. You have to remember what your therapist says about taking care of yourself. Drink lots of water and go for the run with your mum, or even just go for a walk by yourself. You can email me pictures of cute dogs you see along the way. Just ignore the humans with them, I give you permission to. 

Waking up this morning still felt weird. The first thing I did was reach for you. The second thing I did was reach for my phone. I feel very isolated in the universe right now. 

I’m glad you did the breathing. If we were in the same place I’d have done what I always do and sat behind you with my hand on your chest. I don’t know if it helps you any then but I like feeling your heartbeat. It’s like the best kind of cuddles once you’re feeling better. It feels like I’m protecting you from the world even though I know it’s not what I’m really doing. You don’t need to be protected from the world, you’re strong enough on your own. 

Bubble Bobble is the best game!!! We should play that again soon. Not for the channel, just for us. 

I miss that house too. :( Waking up on Christmas has never felt the same since Mum and Dad moved. I feel like the last bit of me being a kid was in that room. I don’t even want to run downstairs first. I can hear someone awake already, probably Mum doing more of the cooking. I wanted to make sure I got to write to you before I get caught up in all of that, though. 

Please try to have a nice Christmas morning as well. Drink too much hot cocoa and eat sweets for breakfast. It’s what you have to do on Christmas!! I’m going to be drinking cocoa and eating cake, so you don’t need to feel bad about making me feel bad. Just knowing I get to see you tomorrow makes me feel loads better. I will probably reach for my phone every five seconds to text you something, but it’s only a day. 

You’ll be amazed at how smashed my phone is, by the way. I’ve never seen one so broken before. Manx cliffs 1, Apple 0.

Your brother exercises until he physically can’t move and only eats leaves and beans. You’re definitely the only sane Howell, Dan. But Adrian’s still young. He might grow into someone you have more in common with. 

Is it funny that I think 21 is that young now? When you were 21, I didn’t think it was. But I was only 25, and I’ve always been immature. Even 25 seems a bit young now, too. The older I get the younger young just seems to be. And the older old seems to be, as well - it’s like I think about years and they pass more quickly and things get all scary feeling. 

So I’m going to think about you wanking in that room watching my videos instead. You could still do, you know. Or when you look at me when I was 22 or 23, does that seems too young to you? 

I can hear Martyn getting up, so I’d better go now before he starts stealing things from my stocking to put in his. Happy Christmas, Dan. I love you. I’ll email back soon. 

 

To: Phil  
From: Dan  
Subject: happy christmas

i didn’t fall asleep til a few hours before you sent your email. I waited a while before i figured you must have fallen asleep and then i tried but i just… couldn’t. my brain wouldn’t shut off. 

i didn’t even hear santa. i feel cheated. but at least mum let me sleep in. nan tried to get me to go to church with her but i politely declined. the house is empty now but they’ll probably be back soon and then i’ll have no excuse but to get up. actually i’m gonna go find colin. i need a cuddle.

ok got colin in bed with me. i had to bribe him with biscuits but don’t worry i didn’t eat any. he’s very warm and cute. his eyelashes are still so insane i can never get over it.

oh he already abandoned me. if that isn’t a metaphor for my life idk what is. i guess i should shower and maybe have some coffee or tea or something. ooh maybe nana will bake me something.

oh i guess there are gifts to open too. weird how that’s what christmas is all about when you’re a child and then you grow up and all you want is a lie in and a good meal.

i mean, i want more but… yeah. i hope you’re doing something fun right now. i might even wait til later to send this so it doesn’t bum you out. i’m not cross or anything but it kind of hurt not to hear from you at least for a goodnight email. 

i know how you are though. once you’re tired it’s nearly impossible to keep you up. i have all the years of you falling asleep waiting for the oscars as proof. you’ll have to sort that out when your mum wins for her book. but i guess then you’ll probably be in the audience. i hope you take me with you. i wouldn’t mind visiting la again. 

speaking of la how fucking weird is it that cat moved to vegas?? who the fuck would want to live in vegas?? …. i guess someone who’s obsessed with poker. so that makes sense. but still. weird. 

it’s weird how like… life changes. that sounds daft. but it’s kind of wild to me. like, five years ago we didn’t even have a gaming channel. i hadn’t started treatment, we still lived in that flat with cracks in the wall and the neighbours fucking every morning.

i wonder if the fuck couple still lives there. i wonder if they still fuck like clockwork.

probably not. sex changes too, doesn’t it? i think ours has changed. do you? not that it’s bad now, i’m not saying that. it’s just definitely different, right?

(btw i think about 22 year old phil in a dirty way all the time. is that bad? it never even crossed my mind that it would be bad to do that?)

I just scrolled up to reread what you wrote and the thing about feeling my heartbeat made me so fucking emotional. god phil. you’re so sentimental in email form. i really like it and hate it at the same time because it just makes me miss you more. 

i think if you were here it might feel less shit. idk. i just instantly feel like a kid when i come back here. i don’t feel like someone who can tour a stage show around the world and have 8 million followers on twitter and sell dvds with my face on. i just feel like the queer emo kid who spends too much time on the internet 

my family doesn’t really treat me like that. i know they don’t, it’s not about that. it’s not like i expect them to treat me like a celebrity. god i sound like an asshole. i don’t even know what i’m saying.

i’m gonna get up and shower and then maybe i’ll send this in an hour or two. give kath a hug for me

 

To: Dan  
From: Phil  
Subject: :( 

I tried to ring you. I don’t know if you were busy or you just don’t have Mum’s number in your phone so you didn’t answer or what. I didn’t need anything, really - I just wanted to talk to you after getting your last email. She and Dad are going out for a bit but she said she’d answer if you rang back, so… if you do and I’m not around then at least talk to my mum for a minute. You know how much she loves you. 

I feel awful for falling asleep. I should have set an alarm or something, I should have known myself better than that. I left you all alone on Christmas eve and… I’m sorry. 

I’m glad you got your Colin cuddles at least, and a lie in, and I hope you’ve gotten some good food by now. Your nan’s cakes are almost as good as my mum’s. (Her roast might even be better, but I haven’t had it in so many years I can’t quite remember.) 

You know you’ll be my date when mum wins her Oscar. I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side but you. I’ll even buy you some sort of stupidly expensive designer suit like you always want and say you never have an excuse to get. And I’ll wear something ridiculous from Topman that you can make fun of me for, and then once the afterparty is over and we’re both drunk on champagne we can have fun making fun of each other’s outfits as we take them off piece by piece. 

Uh. I miss you. That’s probably obvious by the way I’m just emailing you sex daydreams now. 

But I don’t just miss that, you know. I think that being around my parents makes me… I dunno I guess like sappy or something. I just look at how much they love each other and how long they’ve been together and it makes me want that with you. I don’t want us to be old yet, we’ve got a whole life to live together, but I want to like… have what they have now and also what we have now both at the same time. I want to clone us and then time travel a set of us into the future and then know we’re living every reality at the same time. 

You’re probably rolling your eyes, aren’t you? At least I haven’t got us in robot bodies yet. 

Is it awful if I say I’m glad Cornelia isn’t here this year, at least? I miss her and all but I think if I had to watch Martyn and Corn be happy together too I’d be actually dying of loneliness. Changing my flight to tomorrow wasn’t just because you’re sad, or just because I smashed my phone. It’s also just because I’m tired of being without you. Distance doesn’t make my heart grow fonder, it’s plenty enough fond as it is. Distance just makes my heart sadder and grumpier. 

I just read back what I wrote and I don’t think I could even say that to your face. I think it’d feel too weird, or something. It’s easier to write it for me. Maybe that’s just what I need to start doing, writing you letters every week. That way you don’t have to call me emotionally constipated again. (Nopeeee. I’m still not over it.) 

You’re not an asshole, by the way. I know your family makes you feel bad, but remember what your therapist says about your spiraling. You can find control of the situation, you just have to stay calm and remind yourself that you have power over every situation that you’re in. Your mum and your nan and all your family loves you, but if not being around them in a house that makes you feel bad is what you need to do, then that’s okay. 

Maybe we should just say to hell with it all and have our own Christmas next year, and whoever wants to come can come? (But if we do that then you get to be the one to tell my mum, because I’d be terrified.)

I can hear the door opening downstairs so I’d better go see which cousins have just shown up for lunch. Tell me something nice about your day, Dan. I want to hear something that’s made you smile. 

 

To: Phil  
From: Dan  
Subject: no :(

your email made me smile. even though you brought up the dumb thing i said to you that one time that i only said out of frustration and didn’t really mean. and even though i prickle when you remind me about therapy techniques. 

my nana made me smile. she made mince pies. they wouldn’t go at the top of the codex but they were good and she made them just for me. i even helped a little. she told me i’m naughty for not going to church but she forgives me. she asked about you.

mum did too. 

i’m angry i missed you ringing though. can we skype tonight please? i promise i won’t be a sad sack. and it doesn’t even have to be all night or anything. just a half hour or something. i don’t wanna call your mum’s mobile. no offense you know i love kath but i don’t think i want to speak to her right now.

i’m meant to be getting changed right now. told my mum i’d join her for a run. she was so happy phil. i wish i could be a better son to her. she’s not really that hard to please.

(adrian’s coming on the run too so i guess rip to me. he runs marathons just for fun phil. for fun. send help.)

i’m gonna go into town after i think. try to find a coffee shop that isn’t closed. have some alone time that isn’t spent in the brown room. just start praying now that i don’t run into anyone i know. that i simply cannot handle.

distance makes my heart grumpy too. and sleepy. i can’t sleep without your cold toes on my legs apparently.

i’m scared to tell you how much i love the idea of starting our own christmas traditions in our own place. i’m scared of how much i want that. but we don’t have to have it all figured out today. 

btw i’m not rolling my eyes. i love thinking about what we’ll be like in thirty years. i hate getting older but i love the idea of getting older with you. 

actually, that’s not true. i don’t get getting older. i like getting older because i like the way it finally feels like i’m making progress. like maybe i’m on the right path to becoming someone who likes who they are? like, i like growing up. i like feeling like i’m getting to know myself. and i like feeling settled into life and you. and i kinda like having chest hair lol

omg i just said lol in an email i’m such a loser. but anyway. i hate the part of getting older that means i’m always a day closer to death but… hopefully we’ll be robots by then anyway.

MY POINT IS, i’m not rolling my eyes. i love that you think about our future as much as i do. 

 

From: Phil  
To: Dan  
Subject: a love letter to Trevor, my favorite of your chest hairs 

I’m only kidding. I love all your chest hairs equally. All seven of them, with my whole heart. 

Okay, fine. You’ve got at least ten now. And I do still love them all, I love catching a glimpse of you sometimes when you’re walking around without a shirt on and being surprised at how much you’ve grown over the years. I don’t notice it day to day really but once in a while when I’ve just seen a picture of you when you were young or watched an old video of ours… I just stop and think how much both of us have changed. Your voice goes deeper now, you could grow a proper beard now if you tried and the chest hair… it’s sexy, Dan. You being all grown up is sexy to me. 

Will you show them to me when we skype tonight? I don’t care if you’re being a sad sack or not. You’re my sad sack and I love you even at your saddest. I’d fight a dozen hungry lions just for your right to be sad without feeling bad about it. But I’d rather just say stupid things to you over skype so you laugh, and then maybe tell you how pretty all your chest hairs are. 

(Shh, Trevor. It’s alright. You know you’re still my favorite. We just can’t tell the others.)

I like thinking about you being even older, too. Sometimes I think in my head I’m still 24 even when I’m watching you get older, but then I wake up in the morning and my back twinges and I’ve got nose hairs I need to tweeze and I can see gray coming through my hair dye and I know I’m not anymore. 

Do you love my nose hairs as much as I love your chest hairs? Probably not. It’s alright. I wouldn’t either. I’m glad your body decided to grow hair in a normal place. 

I just can’t think about getting old too much. You know how it makes me feel weird. It’s strange how it’s this happy thing and this scary thing at the same time. The with you part is happy, but then I think about how if we’re older then my parents are even older older, and it feels like something in my chest is clawing around squishing things uncomfortably. 

Or maybe that’s the alien ready to break out from inside of me. If it is an alien, make sure you film it. That’d go viral. 

I hope your run with your mum and your brother was nice. I still can’t believe people exist that actually like to run and exercise. It wasn’t that awful with a trainer but it still wasn’t that great, either. At least we got to stay at home and wear comfy indoor clothes for all the stuff we did. I’m never going back to a gym again after the last time. If we can’t do it at home then I just don’t need to be doing it at all. 

I’ve got to go help with some of the dishes from lunch now. Martyn’s in full big brother mode and I can hear him in the kitchen whinging to mum about how it’s not fair that just because I’ve got a broken phone I’m allowed to be glued to my laptop. 

(Tell Trevor I hope he’s keeping warm.) 

 

From: Dan  
To: Phil  
Subject: all this trevor love is making ethan jealous

you know i feel exactly the same way. there’s literally nothing sexier to me than watching you growing up. not that you did in the same way as me, i mean you already a whole ass man when i met you, but you know what i mean. watching you… mature? idk how to do say it that won’t make it squish your insides.

but like, i love your nose hair and your grey hairs and your forehead creases and your quiff and just everything. i love everything and i’ll always love everything, even when you’re wrinkly everywhere and your hair is fully white. it’s a weird dichotomy honestly, being afraid of getting old but also loving it at the same time? i don’t want to be old but i want our love to be old. 

wow that’s cheesy as fuck. i’m just a block of cheddar over here. 

(please don’t break up with me)

oh btw, it doesn’t matter about getting old actually because i’m already a ghost. dead and gone to the afterlife and returned again to keep you company until you join me. i had to bail on the run when i started to feel those mince pies coming back up. i ditched mum and adrian and went to costa. did you know costa was open christmas day? anyway it was and i sat there all sweaty and red faced with my chai latte trying to remember why i ever thought going for a run was a good idea. i felt good after though. like a while after. 

anyway, i’ll show you my chest hairs tonight if you show me yours. i don’t even care if someone walks in. i miss that little forest. 

but yeah, i think we should get a trainer again. maybe just a couple times a week. as much as we whinge, i think it made me feel better. and it made me better at sex for a little. 

i miss sex. i miss you. can it be tomorrow please?

 

From: Phil  
To: Dan  
Subject: rip dan. I always knew it’d be the exercise that got him. 

I’m so jealous. I can’t get a proper coffee here, Mum only has one of those fancy Nescafe machines and it tastes like coffee flavoured water. 

Though I guess that’s what coffee is, isn’t it? It’s just coffee flavoured water. But this is bad coffee flavoured water. I want a Starbucks, but nothing on this island stays open on Christmas. Especially not mobile repair stores. I did go with Martyn earlier and we checked. He teased me for getting my hopes up, but I think he wanted to get out of the house as much as I did. Mum’s a beast when she’s in cooking mode on Christmas. It’s like someone flips a switch, as soon as presents are opened and family time is done she’s Dictator Kath, Supreme Ruler of the Kitchen Zone. All shall fear her and despair. 

Speaking of food, please don’t be a block of cheddar. If you’ve got to be anything, be a wheel of mozzarella. At least then I can put you on pizza and you’ll be halfway tolerable. 

(Did I just become a cannibal? Don’t tell the internet. I think they might like it too much.) 

SKYPE!! Yes. You and me, friend-o. Is eight too early? We’ll probably do board games after Christmas dinner but if they complain too much I’ll just set the laptop up in the family room and you can be on a team with my dad fo Parcheesi. 

You’d actually like the decorations this year, I think. My mum’s just discovered the magic of fairy lights and they’re everywhere. She even strung some up in my bedroom. But they’re on a timer and she doesn’t know how to set it so they start twinkling at seven in the morning. I thought someone was setting off fireworks in my room when I woke up this morning before I put my glasses on. Except they were silent, so. Silent fireworks. Those exist, right? Probably not. 

You know it’s only been five days since we had sex. Do you really miss it that much? You know what I miss even more? I miss waking up with you and having a lie in and fighting over who is going to make toast and bring it back down to bed. I love the lengths we go to and what we’re willing to promise each other just to be the one that stays in bed an extra twenty minutes without having to put our feet on the cold floor. 

But I do miss sex, too. And I think we should get a trainer again for a couple times a week. One that comes to us, just like last time. Maybe this time I’ll tell them that I need rock hard abs. That’ll keep you interested, right? I know you say you love my nose hairs, but I feel like rock hard abs would sweeten the deal a bit. 

You don’t need anything to make you better at sex, by the way. You’re plenty good at it. Sometimes I feel bad that I can’t keep up with you. That’s when I really feel old. When it’s night and I’ve got a headache and I’m tired and you want to have sex, and I know you don’t mind but… I mind, sometimes. I’m mad at myself on nights like that, and I know you can tell. I’m not very good at hiding when I’m feeling bad. I’m just not good at talking about it, either. 

I feel like this is weird and deep for an email that uses the phrase ‘nose hair’ so many times. 

Have a mince pie for me, please. The ones mum made are all long gone. 

 

From: Dan  
To: Phil  
Subject: you’ve been a cannibal the whole time. you bit my shoulder before we even kissed remember??

did you really just ask me if i miss sex? who do you think you’re talking to?

also, i really hate that you feel bad for not wanting/being well enough to have sex sometimes. surely you know it doesn’t bother me. i mean it bothers me that you get those headaches so often and there’s nothing i can do but fetch your tablets and leave you alone. i hate that. 

ok i just reread what you said and i realize you’re not saying i make you feel bad. sorry. i understand feeling like your head is holding you back from being able to do what you really want to be doing. heads can be right little cunts, can’t they? 

but it’s not about not being able to keep up. that makes me sound like a horny little bunny or something. which i suppose isn’t completely inaccurate, but… yeah. you keep up fine. you’re plenty good at sex too. and if i could share the load of those headaches i would. 

is it weird if i say that i think rock hard abs are more enjoyable as a fantasy than as a reality? like, i like thinking about licking butter of armie hammer’s abs but i think i like that you…. idk how to say this without sounding like i’m comparing you in a negative way.

i like the way you look. i wouldn’t change it. honestly i wouldn’t. i like that your stomach is soft. if you wanna work out hard and eat nothing but celery so you can have rock hard abs i’ll cheer you along all the way and i’ll lick butter off them every night but like, don’t do it because you think it’d make you more attractive to me. because i already think you’re sexy as fuck

i’m complimenting you too much. this feels weird. you need to come back home so we can call each other idiot and loser and monkey faced quack sack again like normal. maybe distance DOES make our hearts fonder. or at least more disgustingly sappy

btw i am NOT mozzarella. mozzarella is the most boring of all the cheeses. are you calling me bland? 

i miss having fairy lights on my bed. invite your mum to london and ask her to redecorate for us. 

eight is too early. i love you with all my heart but i’d rather choke on the devil’s big fiery dick than sit it on lester family game night. call me when you’re done. and take your time, i mean it. do not skimp kath on philly time just because you wanna see my tits. i’m feeling better now, like a lot. (it was probably the run that did it but i’ll deny it if anyone asks YOU HAVE NO PROOF)

i have to go. we’re going out for dinner. to the one (1) vegan restaurant in wokingham, oh joy

 

To: Dan  
From: Phil  
Subject: should I be jealous of the devil’s big fiery dick?

I won’t try to skype until after we’re done with games night. I don’t want you to choke on anything. At least… anything that isn’t mine. Not that I want you to choke on mine. That just sounds violent. Why don’t we just forgo all choking on anyone’s dicks, alright? 

I’m glad you don’t need me to have rock hard abs to be attracted to me. If it really mattered a lot to you I’d try, but I wouldn’t like it. I can’t give up sweets so I know I’d just have to spend like seventy gazillion hours a day working out in order to accomplish it and that sounds tiring. I’d rather have a cuddle with you on the sofa and you can use my soft tum as a pillow if you’d like. (While I eat more sweets.) 

Speaking of sweets, my cousin Alex gave me a 3kg bulk bag of Haribo for Christmas. Mum says she needs you to ring her just so that you can promise her you won’t let me eat it all in one go. I did that once with a bulk bag of gummy sweets when I was a kid and she says she still hasn’t recovered from how ill it made me. 

I was young enough that I don’t remember it, though, so I’m not making any promises that it won’t be down to a 1kg bag by the time I make it back to London. 

Which is actually in only twenty hours… See, it doesn’t seem so long now, right? Less than a day! I wish there was an earlier flight leaving, but I’m happy I could book one at all. 

Mum is sad, though. So I’ll keep my promise - to her and you both - and not skimp on family time. 

If you’re not going to be mozzarella then you can’t be any cheese at all. You just need to become a Haribo instead. Then I will love you and also eat you without complaint. 

Not that I complain when I eat you now. It’s one of my favorite dirty things to do… 

Sorry, FBI Man. You know too much but I can’t be stopped.

Maybe I do miss sex after all. The compliments are nice, though. Maybe I’ll start leaving you notes around the flat to say things that feel too strange to say out loud. It’s funny how you’re the person I know best in the world, who knows me best in the world, and there are still things that I get nervous saying. I don’t think you’ll ever stop making me feel like I’m young in that way. You’re always still the person whose shoulder I want to bite and who I really, really want to like me back the way I like you. 

Okay I can see Mum starting to lay out a game board, so I’d better go. 

Skype you soon!! Get those tits ready and warmed up for me. 

 

To: Phil  
From: Dan  
Subject: wow phil ass eating? and i thought i was being dirty

i always want to be the shoulder you bite and the ass you eat. 

i’m sad that your mum is sad. should we invite them to ours for new year’s? i feel bad. not bad enough for you to stay but bad enough that i really want to make it up to her. she loves you two big gangly idiots so much 

guess what i’m a little tipsy. we all went for a walk after dinner and froze to death so when we got back my nan made us hot toddies. she made them strong too, like she barely watered down the whiskey so now i’m just in my room buzzing and ready to be convinced to show you more than my tits.

will you show me more than your tits? i miss your willy. it’s a crime that i have exactly zero photos of it in my camera roll. 

why do i get so horny when i drink it’s so bloody inconvenient when you’re not around.

i guess i could wank. should i wank? ugh. i don’t know how long you’re gonna be and i’m so bored 

ok i went downstairs and ate more food instead of wanking. i’m saving myself for you. but if you don’t show me your willy i’m definitely wanking after we skype. rub one out for jesus

i feel like i need to delete that bit. if your mum somehow sees that she’s going to chain you up and stop you ever coming home to a filthy heathen like me

do you wish i had rock hard abs? or like big ass biceps? or a bigger butt? i bet you wish i had a bigger butt. people online always make fun of me for not having an ass. i know i’m not supposed to read that shit but sometimes i can’t help it

or maybe you miss my 18 year old toothpick body. that was a look. do you miss when i looked more twinky? it’s stupid how i actually thought i was fat back then. how did you put up with my bullshit in the beginning?

sorry. i’m not spiralling i promise. also i’m sorry i’m replying to your super nice and sweet email with my filth. you can blame my nana for plying me with booze. i’ll try to be sweet on skype. we both know i’ll fail but at least i’ll try and that’s what counts right??

ugh phiiiiiillllll be on skype now pleaseeeee

 

To: Dan  
From: Phil  
Subject: WORST INTERNET EVERRRRRRR 

I told my dad that I’m buying them better internet and I don’t care how much it costs. 

I’m sorry I didn’t get to see your tits. :’( :’( :’( I really wanted to. I even tried moving into the family room to see if it was better down there. I don’t know if the whole skype wank situation would have really worked with my dad snoring on the sofa beside me but we could have at least talked. 

I’m being deprived of horny drunk Dan. Life is not fair. What is the meaning of Christmas? Santa has forsaken us.This is WORSE than coal in my stocking. 

We’ll just have to open a nice bottle together tomorrow and recreate the moment. But for tonight I hope you have your wank and then tell me all about it. I won’t go to sleep tonight until we’ve said goodnight properly. I didn’t even have a drink after dinner and I stopped after three puddings so I wouldn’t be so full I felt sick. 

Do you really want to invite my parents for New Year’s eve? I think my mum might like to be invited even if they don’t actually come. And if they do, that might be nice as well. We can take them to that restaurant we tried last month that had the weird fancy silverware that I kept dropping and the triple chocolate mocha mousse. 

 

To: Phil  
From: Dan  
Subject: this is karma because i said that thing about rubbing one out for jesus isn’t it 

we should have known it wouldn’t work. your parents have the most shit internet for living in such a big fancy house.

i had a wank but it was just quick. nothing to write home about. or write to you about i guess. i just literally got tired of thinking about it. being a horny drunk is genuinely annoying. but yeah, we’ll definitely recreate the moment tomorrow night and give it a more satisfying ending

i do want to invite them. maybe if you could somehow say for a day or two without making it sound like we want them out quickly? idk. you know i always have good intentions but having people around me just drains me after more than a few days.

but i’m depriving kath of time with you and that’s not really fair. i get you most of the year. she deserves a little more. and you know i think they’re the best almost in-laws in the world. bry will probably be tilted we made plans without her but she’ll forgive us eventually. maybe. i hope. (she’s good at holding a grudge isn’t she? hmm)

i’m getting really sleepy can you believe it? i think it’s bc i didn’t sleep much last night. and the run. and the booze. and the wank. actually, how am i not asleep already?

today was a good day. i had a good day. i thought about you a lot. here’s something i wouldn’t say to you in person because it still feels too vulnerable even after all these years. i always have you in the back of my mind. always. even if i’m really busy and it’s just a tiny little space to spare, there’s always you in my head. and i just feel strange when we’re apart like this. today was better than yesterday but i still missed you

and i can’t fucking wait to see you tomorrow and see our little tree and order dominos. i can’t wait for all the dirty stuff i’m gonna do to you and also all the cute sappy shit too. 

ps you never answered my question about whether you wish i had a bigger butt :( guess the truth comes out 

 

To: Dan  
From: Phil  
Subject: your buttussy is thicc and perfect 

It’s my perfect butt. No butt can ever compare. Except maybe Chris Hemsworth, but his butt is probably photoshopped anyway. 

When we have our big fancy house, we’ll have the best internet. Or do we want a penthouse still? Or a cabin in the woods somewhere? Never mind, not that last one. We watched that film, it didn’t end well.

I’m sad your wank wasn’t anything to write to me about. I almost did myself and then I realized I could hear Martyn on the phone with Cornelia and if I could hear him then he could probably hear me and I don’t think I’m that ready to go back to feeling like a teenager. 

I can’t believe I’ll see you tomorrow. I know it’s only been five days - six tomorrow - since we’ve seen each other but I still miss you loads, Dan. That’s never changed, not since we really were young. I feel the same way you do, like it’s strange when we’re apart but you’re always in my head. I talk about you so much - all my aunties and cousins asked where you were. It’s funny how everyone knows you’re my person without me ever having to say it. I’m sure they’ve asked mum or gossiped around, but it never came from me - it just happened. It just became something everyone knows. 

I like that, Dan. I like it a lot. It’s funny how it used to be so scary what people would say and not being able to stop them saying things. It’s not scary anymore. Now I want the whole world to just know you’re my person and I’m yours without us having to tell them. Do you think they do now? Do you think we’re there yet? 

Are you going to laugh at me if I say I screenshot that part of your last email and saved it? I want to know I’m in your head always. 

I miss you like crazy right now. It’s not even another full day until I see you again but I can’t stand not being able to give you a cuddle right now. I almost went and got mum’s phone so I could ring you but you said you were sleepy and you need to sleep well when you feel good. So I’ll just use my pillow as a poor Dan substitute and count sheep or maybe the minutes until tomorrow until I fall asleep too. 

 

To: Phil  
From: Dan  
Subject: i’m too tired and in love with you to think of something clever to put here

i want everyone to know. and at the same time i want no one to know. i want to brag to everyone that no one could ever know anyone the way i know you. i want them all to know you’re mine and i’m yours but i never want them to ask about it. i never want to have to see anyone talking about it.

basically i think it comes down to the fact that whatever people think, i still get to have you and that’s really what matters innit? 

i can’t imagine how anyone could possibly not know. but then again… i guess i can. and then i get sad going down that line of thinking and i don’t wanna be sad right now.

because i’m not. i’m really really not. i’m just sleepy and happy. 

 

To: Dan  
From: Phil  
Subject: go to sleep little danny go to sleep 

[mp3 file of Phil singing a very impromptu goodnight song] 

That is my creepy whisper voice because I don’t want Martyn to hear me singing you to sleep. I hope it sends you off to dreamland all nice and snug as a bug, like my mum would say. Tomorrow night I’ll get to snug you and bug you all myself in person.

I can’t wait. Because you’re right. We get to have each other and that’s all that matters. 

I love you, Dan. Happy Christmas.

**Author's Note:**

> [read and reblog here!](https://waveydnp.tumblr.com/post/180952412047/byebye-20gayteen-daily-fic-advent-2018-dec-9)


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